A year ago I wrote a short novel entitled 'Stargazer', which I decided was simply too dark and depressing to pursue, although I was proud of some of the writing and especially certain issues it addressed. The following quotes are taken from this work of fiction.
"While I refuse to blame the media for all this violence which was becoming so prevalent in my life, I do thank it for giving me some great style while I did. "
"Standing below the stairwell, and looking straight up, you can’t see the top. However, you can see the blood raining down onto your face. From on top of the stairwell looking down, you can’t hear the pounding heart beat coming from below. However, you can hear the pleading and begging from someone who truly has nothing left to give."
"And even if you are sensational, and scandalous, and everything people love to rally against, eventually you will come down. You will leave the tongues around the water cooler and the magazines that sell at the cash registers and the internet blogs of 12-18 year olds. And once you reach the top, no one will ever really see you the same again. Then you begin part II of your life. The part of the True Hollywood Story that is always promised right after a few commercial messages. The loneliness and guilt and confusion and prostitution and bad choices, that all arrives when the cameras turn off and the light go out. You only want to be back on the crest of that wave, and there is getting to be so little that is guaranteed to get you there. It’s all been done before. Sometimes it feels every book has been written and every song has been sung. Everyone has a story to tell, and they all want to tell it so badly that we have to pick and choose what we hear. And if you get so lucky to have that chance for an audience, to make them really listen, your gun better be loaded and your trigger finger quick."
"A situation can produce a secret. What that secret is, well that depends on where you are standing. The side of the secret you are let in on is mine. I am the director, and you, as the passive audience, can only know what I myself know. I can, however, let you in on a little suspicion I have. There was more than two of us in that room that day. At this exact moment, right now, press pause. The story on screen has halted, and there is now something we must discuss. Someone knows my secret that I’ve just shared with you. For anyone who watches my life, they become involved at this exact point. Put on your 3-D glasses, because this story just got much more real. In my mind, as I continue to rewind and rewatch this scene, checking for angles, checking for possible takes to leave on the edit room floor, there will always be 3 people in that room. And yet, while so many pairs of eyes have watched this scene from the perspective I have described, there is one that hasn’t. One set of two eyes who can’t agree with everything I’ve told you here, one face I’ve never seen who can’t completely step into my shoes for this moment, because they existed in that moment already. One person of whom I just lost control. I don’t know if you exist, but know that if I find you, I will kill you. You can press play again whenever you like."
"Future time orientation is defined as a general capacity to organize and anticipate future events and it is considered to be a favorable aspect of personality in terms of achievement, planning, and problem solving. It's how I make sure my seeds get sown."
"When you expect your life to play out like your favorite movie did when faced with a similar scene or situation, you get kind of upset when it doesn’t. Kind of upset and violent."
“Call me” she said, showing me so many teeth in her smile that I could tell she hadn’t had to have her wisdoms surgically removed.
“I will” I smiled back until it felt like the sides of my mouth would rip open.
“How do I know I can trust you? I mean, how do I know you’re the person you say you are?” She called back, halfway laughing.
“You can trust me.” I replied, then added, “Why would I pretend to be something I’m not?”
“Maybe so you can use people for your own desires,” she was laughing now as she stepped onto the bus. “I am just kidding, Jack, you seem like a really great guy.”
“I know you are, and what kind of a world we would be living in if everyone only looked out for themselves? How would we ever really get to know anyone?” I watched as the bus door shut before adding, “How would you have found out that I seemed like a really great guy?”
"I live in a world where every now and then, someone sneaks into the shot that should never be there. And even worse, sometimes tries to make a play for a meatier role. Unlike a story told on film, where a shot can be erased, or removed, in a life’s story, these shots can’t easily be removed. You can try to ignore them, and that works sometimes. But other times these problems simply won’t go away, they continue to appear. In that case, or as I see it, you are faced with one choice. You become the genius director and you make the plot involve the unwanted character or situation. You can use these barnacles, these hanger-ons as foils. Use them to show your own strengths. Beautiful girls always have an overweight friend. But contrast isn’t the only choice. You can use them to complicate a plot, or add suspects to a winding chapter of mystery. Or you can use them as expendable, yet replaceable extras, where when they leave the story, no matter how violently they meet their end, no matter how incredible their personal movie had been to that point, their existence in the end only served to support the main character. It is at this moment they truly lose their life. And you get to have it. Enticing, isn’t it? But I am getting too far ahead of myself. "
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